lazy-ass-itis: the all time most frustrating thing about feeling stuck

Feeling Stuck: My life is a Neverending Hamster Wheel

While cleaning out my hallway closet over the weekend, I found plastic bins full of old letters journals, and notebooks. Momentarily distracted with a nagging regret, I spent time reading pages filled with forgotten dreams – never fulfilled. In the days since I’ve been dealing with a lingering sense of shame regarding the idea of always feeling stuck with no ability to identify exactly why. All I knew is there was something I didn’t understand & it scared me.

I know what I need to do. Logistically it is simple, Yet an irrational panic has left me feeling frozen & unable to take the next step. I’ve been stuck.

and on the day that I began writing this post, I decided to resolve this lifelong stuckness. With a recent diagnosis of AUDHD (autism + ADHD), the reason for feeling stuck was finally clear to me Joy filled my mind as I again reviewed the contents of this plastic bin from a fresh perspective. The hamster wheel was finally making some sense. Feelings of ambivalence began to melt away. In its place, was a genuine excitement about the idea of tackling once unachievable life goals.

As it turns out, this stuckness was never a matter of laziness or stupidity but simply undiagnosed autism.

Feeling Stuck & Late Diagnosis Autism

It wasn’t until I learned about the AUDHD (autism + ADHD) diagnosis of a family member, that I sought a diagnosis for myself. After some time on a waiting list, I finally got the news that verified 10+ years of suspicion: I am autistic.

Honestly, this information was a real mind f*ck at first. As a mental health therapist, I had suspected I was autistic and possibly ADHD for quite some time. However, I never sought a diagnosis since the process of coming to terms with complex trauma had worn me out. I was not interested in any self-exploration that might further disrupt the once-calm family dynamics.

When I began helping this family member process the news of their diagnosis, I began to reconsider the idea of a seeking formal diagnosis. I was surprised by the flood of emotions that came with this information. This diagnosis has forced me to wrestle with many grotesque realizations that come with a late diagnosis of autism. I was angry for years I felt everything was my fault. I grieved over the lack of support from a world that was not able to meet my needs. I regretted the internalized abelism and my own belief that I was somehow broken & need of fixing.

As I’ve processed these emotions, I began to get unstuck and realize the true freedom that comes with accepting my diagnosis. I began to realize the pervasive neurodivergence throughout my entire family. It made sense that we were all conveniently able to ignore it. I realize that it is okay for me to be me. I am not broken, I am just neurodivergent. Where there was once confusion, there is now understanding and peace. I see the beauty within me. The unmasking process has begun…

Feeling Stuck: Blog Purpose

As I establish this blog, I desire to sort through everything that comes with a late diagnosis of autism and ADHD. I start simply with a desire to overcome feeling stuck and create some forward motion towards my goal. As I have stated before, this diagnosis changes everything about everything. Many things now make sense, including my fear of opening up. I see a series of missteps in life as symptoms of undiagnosed neurodivergence. I no longer fear the world and characterize my being in the world as a negative personal failing.

As it turns out, this stuckness was never a matter of laziness or stupidity but simply undiagnosed autism.

I used to joke that I have “lazy-ass-itis”. I would come home at the end of the day, truly unable to function. My modus operandi was to push through and ignore the inner struggle. I no longer feel the need to overfunction. I have learned to slow down & relearn a new way of functioning & being in the world. I am unmasking to myself & the world. I am looking forward to what life holds. Underlying a lifetime of frustration is a narrative viewpoint that skewed my interpretation of everything. It wasn’t what I was looking at but how I was looking at it. It came down to accepting and understanding certain things about myself that had been hidden below the surface. Accepting myself as I am has led to a freedom of being in life that is new to me. I look forward to sharing my journey with readers.

As it turns out, the problem isn’t what I was looking at but how I chose to look at it. Exploring this idea is the ultimate purpose of my blog, (for the time being