Practice Self-Compassion

While individual responses are highly varied, there is inevitably some grieving involved. I’ve been there & it still creeps up from time to time.  The process brings up  feelings of anger, shame, and resentment.  As you begin to reevaluate your life, you are forced to acknowledge that you weren’t given the support compassion & understanding you needed.  Instead, many late-diagnosed autistics are left with chronic shame, an underdeveloped sense of self, and a heaping portion of trauma to work through.

My grief journey while looking back…

For much of my childhood, I lived in a state of silent panic due to the constant bullying. I struggled to make friends but usually had at least one person to spend time with. This changed in 6th grade when my best friend moved away to Pine Ridge. I found myself truly alone for the first time. I stopped talking by 7th grade and tried my best to remain invisible.  It wasn’t until I became a therapist that I realized this is called selective mutism, (common in autistic children).

When I look back at it now, I see someone who was just simply terrified of the idea that they would be made fun of.  I always lacked the understanding and guidance I needed to fit in. My big question always was why am I not good enough? The advice I received from well-meaning adults was usually something along the lines of “ignore them” and “just be yourself”.’

A life With chronic shame

Over time I internalized all the words of my bullies, and it became my truth.  By the time I reached high school, I was chronically suicidal and had given up on myself. I had no self-worth and lived my days trying to fly under the radar and remain as invisible as possible.

With 20/20 hindsight I grieve very much for the girl I was. I always knew I was different in some way that others tended to find off-putting.  However much I tried I was never able to fully grasp what that something was that made me so different from the world around me. At the time, this notion of differentness was truly a shame-inducing hot potato.  Anything remotely indicative of this differentness became a source of overwhelming panic & fear.  “I can’t let them see this differentness I just can’t”, I thought. I tried my best to conceal it whatever the cost.

It is truly one hell of a mind-fuck to look back at this time in my life is the stark contrast to my life now.  I remember as if it was just yesterday how all-consuming this fear was of not being good enough.  Not being good enough to me meant no one accepted you and you were unworthy of love and belonging. The mere idea of this left me in a state of constant panic unable to function or communicate. It’s as if I knew my very essence was a thing of shame and unworthiness. I feared my true nature and longed for normalcy, whatever that was.

Understanding The Shame Spiral

So, what can be said about the shame spiral? it usually begins with an ongoing hyper-awareness and continual background of monitoring for anything that can indicate impending feelings of rejection and shame. This can mean being worried about what you say or do. Or it can mean worrying about what someone says or does.  This usually involves endlessly ruminating over potential worst-case scenarios while sitting in fear of the idea that asking the question out loud makes you look like an idiot. And then when something happens, and you receive some sort of criticism it can truly be crushing in a way that isn’t describable to those who don’t understand.

Until you learn to accept autism and see beyond the shame, gaining clarity is damn near impossible. When panic takes over, the brain is acting as if what you perceive as a possibility is a matter of life and death. You are unable to discern between actual danger and perceived danger. The hippocampus picks up on something that reminds you of a trauma from your youth. The fight or flight emotions hit, and your brain is off. And then your autistic brain becomes so overwhelming that you shut down.

The world social world for many autistics can be a scary one when the world indicates to us hold a shame-based identity.  The very essence of your differentness is in some way considered abnormal or not good enough to some. To truly be in a place of chronic shame where you feel you’re unworthy of love and belonging can feel overwhelming.  Oftentimes this can result in little time taken to understand yourself in any meaningful way.

Alexithymia- Being Blind on the Inside

It’s hard to describe to those who don’t understand but all too often I noticed a sense of varying degrees of having no sense of self.  When I say no sense of self, I don’t mean it intends to mean blind inside. I’m blind to the inside and cannot see beyond it who I am.  How I feel about myself is based on the feedback from others and the roles I am required to fill. Outside of that, there is little else. And with the tendency to absorb the emotions of those around me, there can tend to be a lack of awareness of the things going on internally.

It has been by speaking of shame understanding shame as a social emotion and recognizing it that progress has been made without the shame, I have the clarity I have peace of mind, and serenity I find I can look at situations and see them for what they are minus the panic which tends to overwhelm and throw me into complete dysfunction in paralysis. So, in the next section, I hope that we can review the concept of shame as a social emotion and what it means to begin unpacking it and seeing beyond the limitations it places upon our brain.

& Radical Acceptance Leads to Clarity

As I see it now, it’s what I didn’t know existed as a cause for my misery.  I have a unique AUDHD brain that allows me to see the world from a unique perspective much needed in this world.  Yes, I am different but that’s not a bad thing. It just is.

In the aftermath of this formal diagnosis, it is interesting to see how the ”TISM” shows up.  I take a step back. I witness the silent inner voice of an old me from a long ago. Distant memories of a muted panic from just yesterday lurk underneath when I see my “TISM” showing. I no longer avoid these emotions through numbing and pretending to be OK.  I also try my best to avoid the endless rumination and horrid shame cycle that comes with it.  Instead, I have learned to sit with it and let it be.  What does this mean?

I acknowledge the anxiety for what it is and try to unpack the thoughts, feelings, and belief systems associated with it.  I use my autistic curiosity as fuel for this endeavor. The duality of perspectives from different points in time does intrigue me.  I can look at a situation from the viewpoint of a present me and a former me.  I see two different realities from the mind of what is and what was.  What you have is a reality in which my lived experience was so dependent on unexamined belief systems that became shame-filled self-fulfilling prophecies. I became what I believe I am, and I got what I believed was possible.  In a very real sense I really was a misery maker & my own worst enemy.

Missing Piece or Dark Knight

The Only Way Out Is Through

I have this theory that life comes with a bitter pill we must swallow to overcome any hamster wheel experience.  This bitter pill represents an undeniable – yet ugly – truth of our lives & the role we play within it.  For some, facing this truth directly can cause us more pain than we’re prepared to feel. This can lead us to an array of endlessly creative mental gymnastics that allow us to engage in a willful denial of reality. If you pretend it isn’t there, maybe that ugly truth can go away, right?

The problem with this solution is we inadvertently perpetuate what we deny.  Like a dog chasing its own tail, we seek answers in the wrong places & fail to see the solution right under our nose. As a reformed-fuck-up, I’ve come to understand that the only way out is through.  Healing has no shortcut and ultimately, the truth will set you free.