Reasons Stuckness Happens: Radical Acceptance (Simple Insights)
Dear Kathleen:
The letter above was sent via email from my sister in late 2013. At the time, I was working full-time for a nursing float pool on the weekends. During the week I had a full class load as a graduate student. I was working on a Masters in Clinical Counseling to become a therapist. My kids were quite young at the time and plate was full. I lived in a constant state of burnout.
I decided, around this time, to start seeing a therapist. I completed some EMDR to process some trauma after completing a DBT skills group. These things did help immensely and improved my ability to function day-to-day. However, there was something more about me that needed sorting out. I’ve always struggled with this lingering sense of self-doubt, (easily dismissed as negative self-talk):
Internally, this “sense of inherent wrongness” was like a well of unprocessed shame, anxiety, and muted panic. I couldn’t see beyond the idea that something was wrong with me & that everybody could see it, but nobody me. In fact, it wasn’t until That is until I happened to review information on Autism Spectrum Disorder for a paper I had to write….
I hate to admit it now, but it took a while for me to begin exploring this nagging suspicion of a potential ASD diagnosis. Learning to radically accept what I cannot change has been critical to getting unstuck – the subject of today’s post.
WHY DOES STUCKNESS HAPPEN?
In my last post, I referenced an article titled “Stuck in a Moment” by Petriglieri, (2007). He states that “…we feel stuck instead of accepting & allowing ourselves to feel that weare not, at the present moment able or willing to change” (Petriglieri, 2007, p. 187). This quote hints at the idea that nonacceptance magnifies a stuckness and frustration into an insufferable situation. Stop and watch the videos below. I believe they provide an excellent introduction to the subject.
VIDEO #1 HELPS EXPLAIN HOW STUCKNESS IS A BYPRODUCT OF TRAUMA.
“Trauma is something that makes you so upset it overwhelms you…It sends messages ‘I’m in danger’, and ‘I’m not safe’. The (initial trauma) itself is over but you continue to react to things as if you’re in danger we’re talking about survival…people go into fight flight or (their) brain shuts down and they collapse”. (Big Think, 2021).
VIDEO #2 ‘HELPS EXPLAIN WHY WE FEEL STUCK HOW TO MOVE ON.
“Cultivat(ING) a holding environment in which the intolerable aspects of life could be experienced fully…encourages one to examine the strangeness of one’s internal landscape from a neutral perspective…seemingly intolerable aspects (of life) may not only become tolerable but could even become illuminating…and the first step is acknowledging that suffering” (Sisyphus 55)
VIDEO #3: ON LETTING GO AS A CURE FOR SUFFERING
“I understood suddenly how thought was just an illusory thing and how thought is responsible (for) most of the suffering we experience and then I suddenly felt like I was looking at these thoughts from another perspective and I wondered who is it that is aware that I am thinking and suddenly I was thrown into this expansive amazing feeling of freedom from myself, my problems…” (T&H, 2023)
UNSTUCK = ACCEPTING THE UNACCEPTABLE
Stuckness is a byproduct of trauma. Stuckness “occurs each time we encounter a situation that our current adaptations cannot make sense of or handle meaningfully.” (Petriglieri, 2007, p187). The situation itself is an emotional hot potato. I call trauma triggers my own emotional hot potatoes. The mere idea of this thing/place/person/thought brings about a panic. Sitting with the emotional memories seems impossible. It is natural to attempt avoiding and/or ignoring the bad thing. That bad thing, being the reminder of the traumas you wish to pretend never happened. However, avoidance seems to accomplishes the opposite: We perpetuate what we deny. So what is the first step? Learning to accept reality on reality’s terms. You can’t change what you don’t acknoweldge right?
Learning to accept the unacceptable is essetial – at least until you are able to find a reasonable remedy to your problem. I realize this seems like a crazy form of emotional sadomasochism, but bear with me. I realize what I’m asking of you is quite crazy indeed. I urge you to stay with me until the end of the article. It is my hope that you can be given a small seed of an idea that you can nurture to your own clarity of understanding….
What is Radical Acceptance?
Marsha Linehan (2005) defines radical acceptance as a complete and total acceptance of reality from the depths of your soul, in your mind heart and body. In this respect, radical acceptance allows us to focus on the current moment, seeing reality as it is, without judgment. Rather than fighting with reality or asking why, you choose to go with what is so you can function. In this respect, acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, it means you choose to not fight reality. Suffering, in an instant, transforms into a tolerable pain.
Acceptance ≠ Approval
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OPTION #1: You can cause the problem causing your suffering
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OPTION #2: You can change how you feel about the problem.
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OPTION #3: You can simple accept realty.
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OPTION #4: You can stay miserable
Top 3 Myths about Radical Acceptance
There are been several personal myth & thought errors within I’ve had to work through that prevented me from understanding radical acceptance and what it truly means. Understanding these myths about radical acceptance is key to overcoming resistance to it. While some may think spelling things out as I have might be unnecessary. I do this, because spelling things out for myself has been a useful exercise in reminding myself of the quickest pathway out of my own personal hell.
MYTH #1: Refusing to Accept reality can solve the problem…
I was a bullied child & undiagnosed autistic. I also have a history of trauma. In my early 20’s, after leaving an abusive relationship, I was living alone & honestly struggling. While my mind desperately wanted to leave the past behind, my body did indeed kept the score. I was angry, frustrated, grieving, sad, and lonely. I wondered why no one seemed to understand or care what happened. It was hard to accept I was truly alone & that nobody was really able to help me. at first i blamed myself. then I got angry. it took time to come to terms with the idea that nobody understood, They never did, they never will.
I came to an understand that by refusing to accept I remained stuck in my memories of childhood trauma. I accept happened & that ultimately I had no choice but to endure it alone, i did so because I just got to a point wehere i couldnt carry that hurt anymore. I was stuck in a personal hell of my own creation and didn’t realize it. I could only see the problems. The solutions were inconcievable to me and just out of reach, hidden behind the things I refused to accept. It simply hurt too damn much….
- I was stuck in a personal hell of my own creation…
- Trauma rendered me unable to take in new information
- reality Was concealed behind past trauma and left me unable to functon
- I life in a wolrd of should while fighting what hurt to accept.
- I beat myself up for failing to change reality to suit my needs.
- am living in my own personal hell.
TRUTH #1: YOU CANNOT CHANGE REALITY UNTIL YOU ACCEPT IT.
With the benefit of 20/20 hindsight I can now say that I was creating my own hell by resisting painful truths that were beyond my capacity to trully face. I had to engage in a slow healing process that has allowed me to face reality that includes those “unacceptable things” with state of serenity & peace. I am enjoying the process of unmasking & learning who I really am behind society’s expercations of me.
WHAT IS THE TRUTH? Some things were too painful to look at, so honestly I buried my head in the sand. This has caused solutions to remain out of reach to me: hidden behind a painful reality I didn’t want to face.
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This happens when I stopped fighting a war of what “should be”.
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you cannot change a situation until you accept reality as is
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This allows you to engage in a reality-based perspective.
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You are able to see solutions instead of problems.
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You are finally able to get unstuck.
MYTH #2: RADICAL ACCEPTANCE MEANS I AM GIVING UP
After high school graduation, I could not wait to move away from home. I grew up in a small midwest college town that was not friendly to outsiders who failed to assimilate to the local midwest culture, (check this book written by someone who grew up in my hometown). My parents met at medical school and were ill-equipped to help me adjust to my social environment. My father was an undiagnosed autistic who marched to the beat of his own drum. My mother was born in Philippines and grew up during WW2. They had their share of baggage & fell short of meeting my needs consistently through life. I was alone, sad, frustrated neurodivergent kid who didn’t understand why people didn’t like her. I lived my days in a state of panic. The teachers thought I was okay, just a bit quiet. I got no help, I fell through the cracks. I struggled to maintain friendships until 6th grade when my best friend moved back to Pine Ridge. I was alone & scared in middle school. I stopped talking (selective mutism) & struggled to get through each day, chronically suicidal.
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Constant bullying and ostracism left me in a state of panic
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This rendered me unable to learn from my life experiences
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I was always Bracing myself for impact: More Painful rejection
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The idea of rejection was a threat I could function in the face of.
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i continued to react to the world as if I was in danger. Memories of The past was an ever-present threat.
TRUTH #2: YOU CANNOT CHANGE REALITY UNTIL YOU ACCEPT IT
The experiences described in this post may have been true. However, I can’t help but noting a seething bitterness in my old journals. They were eating my life. Maybe my feelings were dismissed. Maybe they don’t care about what happened to me. Maybe I was alone. However, focusing and ruminating on this only hurts me. By the time I reached my early-mid 20’s I realized I couldn’t do this. I chose healing. I chose to do whatever it took to get out of the hole I dug for myself
WHAT IS THE TRUTH? The responses from others regarding revelations of past traumas caused some confusion about what radical acceptance reallly required of me. I realize now radical acceptance doesn’t mean you are dismissing your feelings. You are also not going to fake “okayness” and shove the hurt deep. We are simply deciding to make healing the priority. If you chose forward progress you are required to engage in the reality of life from a viewpoint that allows for a clarity of understanding.
WHAT DO I UNDERSTAND ABOUT RADICAL ACCEPTANCE? When I I radically accept, I am not saying everything’s “peachy keen”. I am just choosing to acept what is & make healing and effectiveness a priority. I want to be attain an effectiveness in life whereby I can adequately assess the situation and make plans to change as needed. This can’t happen if I am complaining about things & avoidng reality. I hate the phrase “it is what it is” but maybe that sums it up? Complaining about it changes nothing.
Myth #3: If you are accepting your painful situation, you are accepting an endless life of suffering
“Just get over it”. “Water off your back”. “Sticks & Stones”. I used to hear these things quite a bit from an endless array of well-meaning people over the years. This perspective was sometimes hard pill to swallow when it came from people who refused to acknowledge that the hurt was there. Oftentimes I felt I was told to ignore the hurt and maybe it would go away. Other times I felt I was told my traumas were an inconvenient truth that was best swept under the rug.
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Part of me felt that by accepting past pain, I was letting others off the hook.
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I was filled with anger and hurt.
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I spent too many years ruminating endlessly about what happened.
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All it did, is pull me in to a deep pit of despair.
Truth #3: When I radically accept I am choosing to make healing and recovery to be a priority..
When we radically accept our life we reduce our suffering in the long-term and acknowledge that during this process we will likely feel pain in the short-term. We are also acknowledging that life is still worth living. Yes the bad things happened, yes there is unfairness to life. However, complaining it doesn’t make it go away. There has to be a point where you chose to move forward in the hopes of something better down the line.
RADICAL ACCEPTANCE – STEPS TO TURNING THE MIND
Becoming unstuck has always entailed letting go of my wishes for a different life history. Admittedly this is difficult if not impossible initially. Radical Acceptance is a choice Linehan (2003) describes as a “turning of the mind” Accepting reality is a choice like a fork in the road. As I’ve come to understand it, radical acceptance involves the following components:
STEP ONE: COMMITMENT.
The first step toward radical acceptance is simply making an active choice in the present moment to deal with reality as it is…You have to make a continual inner COMMITMENT to accept reality with your body, mind, and heart. Admittedly, this can at times be a minute-by-minute endeavor to take my body and heart along for the ride towards full acceptance
STEp TWO: Observation
This goes hand in hand with commitment. It entails a concept of “willing suspension of disbelief”. This concept pertains to the consumption of great works of fiction (i.e. theater, novel, tv show, etc…). For example, when I am reading a good Stephen King novel or watching American Horror, I immerse myself in the story. As it unfolds I suspend disbelief and am willing to experience the story as it unfolds as if it were true. Observing in this manner allows me to set aside personal judgment to take in information with the goal of clarity.\
STEP THREE: LOOK OUT FOR RESISTANCE.
As a desire to resist reality and deny its very factual nature, it is important to keep a look out for resistance. What is it you are failing to accept? Why is it so hard to accept? When I ask myself these questions, I find I am busy feeling sorry for myself & resenting the unfairness of my life. Turning the mind for me involves being willing to face reality and “put on these big girl panties”. Feeling sorry for myself accomplishes nothing. I just end up making an ass out of myself.
STEP FOUR: BE AWARE OF REALITY BLOCKERS AND FORMS OF ESCAPE.
What are you doing to escape reality? Think about it. Be aware of these unhealthy coping skills &/or habits. Are you blocking certain aspects of reality out of your awareness as a form of self-deception? What are you doing to escape reality and self-medicate (food, drink, etc)??? TURN THE MIND towards the things you previously blocked out
STEP FIVE: PARADIGMATIC RE-EVALUATION:
This step simply involves recognizing that all things have a cause.Seeing things as they are is empowering and allows you to attain the clarity necessary to produce lasting change. This means not asking why it happened and instead how it occurred.
get unSTUCK = MINDFULNESS
Willingness means maintaining a stance of mindfulness, and accepting reality as it is (in the moment)
BEING STUCK = Rejecting NOW
Willfulness involves a refusal to tolerate the present moment
GET unStuck Participation
Willingness requires us to participate in life & be fully present.
Being Stuck = Avoidance
Willfulness is an “ignore & destroy” approach. We focus on perceived threats instead.
GET UNSTUCK = GAIN CLARITY
Willingess means choosing to acknowledge what is to gain clarity in your life
BEING STUCK = fix NOTHING
Willfulness involves fixing the unfixable, (what we perceive to be the problem).
GET UNSTUCK = HEALING
Willingness means choosing healing by focusing on forgiveness. (ie. serenity prayer).
Being Stuck = hurting
Willfulness happens when we play the victim & ruminate about the who has “done us dirty”.
References
Access to Insight. (n.d.). Dukkha. https://www.accesstoinsight.org/ptf/dhamma/sacca/sacca1/dukkha.html
Big Think (Ed.). (2021, September 17). What is trauma? the author of “The body keeps the score” explains: Bessel Van der Kolk: Big think. YouTube. https://youtu.be/BJfmfkDQb14?si=kKxkjnaN-bbzs8v1
Hahn, T.N. (2012) You are here: Discovering the magic of the present moment. Shambahla Publications
Linehan, Marsha M.. DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (p. xx). Guilford Publications. Kindle Edition
Linehan, Marsha, M. (2005), From Suffering to Freedom: Practicing Realty Acceptance. New York, NY: Guilford Press
Petriglieri, G. (2007). Stuck in a moment: A developmental perspective on impasses. Transactional Analysis Journal, 37 (3), 185-194
Sisyphus 55. (2023, August 16). Life is suffering. YouTube. https://youtu.be/EAeMjbTYUcQ?si=pxNvgxWDk2FE6IwK
tradgedyandhope. (2023, September).
T&H. (2023, September 5). There’s nothing to do but let go – jim carrey on depression. YouTube. https://youtu.be/F2RousymNt0?si=8FIYMgw68LdR7zQ-
